F is for frustration

I haven’t done a “real” post of my own, with some depth and meat, for over a month now. There was a vacation, a Pantheacon (and even with the release of guidelines for inclusion I still have some things I want to say about it), and a relapse of last fall’s (presumed adrenal) fatigue. In that time I have periodically been seized by the Muse and managed to get some writing done. None of it has shown up here though. It’s been either on Livejournal, or on social media, or the rare personal journaling.

That is the first source of my frustration.

The second source of my frustration is the feeling of floundering. (Hey, another F!) While I was in the midst of pursuing my master’s degree, magical work dropped off considerably. Between lack of time, stress, and brain filled with school thoughts almost non-stop, I could not give over the energy to doing much more than devotional practices. Thank the gods above and below for that work, though, because had it not been for regular time in shrine and sitting before icons, I would likely have lost all my spiritual connections.

Over the last few years, I have also felt my focus shifting. For several years I did work more with trance work and inner worlds. That was definitely a necessity and how I could best function. Not only did I do a lot to fix myself, I was periodically able to assist others through these techniques. That sort of self-work is not likely to ever end for me, since I feel it’s tied in with growing up, getting older, life changes, etc. But now I find my interest shifting more toward outer work. Toward ritual and more spellwork. This has never been one of my strong area. My wiring is not particularly geared toward creating ritual. This was actually one of the big draws I felt to join the House of Netjer: coming in to a tradition which already had established rituals.

But go without regularly using any skill for a few years, and it’s going to be very difficult to pick up again.

So now here I am, wanting to do rituals and develop new spells, as well as resume trance work, and feeling like I lack all ability to even come up with ideas. This is not a case of me wanting them prefab, I want to be able to make things of meaning myself. This is one of those times when I wish I had more of a formal mentor. It would be nice to have some more direction than just trying to cobble things together on my own.

……..

Somehow synchronicity always comes up in these moments. Dver pointed out a post about fallow spiritual times which I will be reading in the coming days. Having that kind of outside confirmation somehow makes it better.

This post is part of the Pagan Blog Project. Check out the link for other posts in this year-long series.

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7 thoughts on “F is for frustration

  1. One of my biggest “fallow time” moments tends to come from feeling… uncertain and out of sorts. I get all of these thoughts in my brain and I’m like, “Yes! This!” But then I get lost in the minutiae of what I’m trying to get done. It’s incredibly frustrating and I have to agree: it would probably help if I had a set mentor to kick my butt into gear.

    Honestly, I think blogging about the “fallow times” is helpful, too. You’ve got an open space to ramble on about what you want and what you’re seeking, which can help to clear some things. But, also, I think it would help to be able to look back when you’re in a new quiet period to see, “Hey, this isn’t new. This is what I did to help bounce back last time; let’s try it again.”

    I hope my post helps. :) And if not, one of the links at the bottom of that post is to a Kemetic (more hardcore than me, one might say) who wrote about it as well.

  2. I hate to ask this now, then, therefore: what is your prognosis on the piece for the cyno devotional? I’m still nowhere near completion on it for my own pieces (though I hope to make some progress on that in April…I have about 4 essays to write for it, plus at least another poem or two), which means that therefore completion of your own is not at all rushed either, but still…I’m also holding out for a few other people as well, and I’d love to hear from my co-editor as well, as he’s dropped off the map somewhat. In any case, I’d love to know how your progress has been, so when you have a moment, let me know!

  3. No worries Sufenas, I am glad you’re keeping on me for this. I still want to do it, and every weekend it’s on my list, but my energy never seems to make it there. The things needing doing is diminishing though, so hopefully very soon I will have the brain power to sit down and write that much.

  4. Aubs:
    (Oh the one thing I don’t like about this layout is a lack of reply for comments)
    I’m looking forward to reading what you have to say, and took a look at said link and found Helms! He does great work with his blog.

    I’m hoping that by getting this out and taking the time to really recover from fatigue and not pushing it will be a help. I’ve also given myself permission to be indecisive and jump around from project to project each day so I don’t wear myself out. Not sure how else to explain it. Plus I am taking the signs as I get them, like seeing one of my fetches last night in my mind’s eye during my yoga class.

  5. Pingback: The little things will eventually add up | Syncretic Mystic

  6. Pingback: Herbs, the hedge, and getting unstuck | Syncretic Mystic

  7. Pingback: F is for Found ritual objects | Syncretic Mystic

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