I did it. I did it. I DID IT! All twelve nights, even if they are late.
I think my plan for this week is going to be writing one blog post a night, because I want to do my two A posts before the first round of B posts. And as I think I said before, I do have ideas for both of those B posts.
Othala: Where is my true home?
I think I respond in a similar way every year, and that is to say my home is with the people I love. My family of blood and my family of choice. Now that I am making more concrete plans to change my physical home, I am remembering this more and more. Especially when I go to California or Florida do I feel this.
Dagaz: What doors have opened for me? What doors have closed?
I would like to think that more doors for potential careers have opened. With my workload and experience increasing this past year, it only heightens my qualifications for jobs, and proof that I can adapt to different work situations.
And I hate to think about closed doors, but there is one. I pray that someday I can find a way to open it again.
After you finish reading the answers to my questions here, I cannot suggest enough that you look at my dear friend Sufenas’s latest Queer I Stand column at Patheos, Bringing Back the Gods. I have a hard time fully articulating my reasons for being a devout polytheist, but he sums it up with more eloquence than I could ever hope to give the subject.
Laguz: How do I work with my dreams?
For the dreams in sleep, I chronicle them as much as I am able. Over many years I have learned how to interpret them and have some idea now of what things mean. I dream in color, which I point out because I remember once reading or hearing that people dream in black and white. Not I. Full rich color and complex stories. Some are quite amazing and fun, and some make me want to do anything but sleep after.
For my daytime dreams and desires, I do what I can to make them happen. By speaking, acting, and through magic.
Ingwaz: What seeds have I planted, and what have I sacrificed to nourish them?
Oh I wish the answer to this were a simple one. In truth I am uncertain. There are the dreams mentioned above but I don’t know if those qualify as seeds. Whether they are or not I am making sacrifices. Taking time out to manifest my desires. Being stricter with my spending to save more and pay off debts sooner. Working to get more of my unwanted stuff out. Making plans.
Things on my mind today:
It’s the dark moon today. I’ve not been paying enough attention to the moon phases recently and had forgotten this. But as the dark and new moon are good times for focusing on banishing and beginnings, I am going to make tonight and this weekend about a rededication to more active spiritual practices. I have to focus, and if some changes are going to happen I need to put more work into them. This post on Agora earlier in the week has also been giving me some more motivation, even to take the little steps.
One of my nearest and dearest lost a parent early this morning. I know what it’s like to lose one, and I know I am coming to an age where I only have so much time left with the one I have.
And yes, I know I am already behind (again) on Pagan Blog Project. Part of the rededication is going to include making more time to write. I know my A topics as well as my B topics and one C. Then I’ll be digging through my draft posts from last year to see what I never got to write then.
Ehwaz: What has been confirmed for me this year?
I don’t know if this lesson has come into my psyche in a full way, but I keep getting reminded of the fact that people do love me, care about me, and want me around.
Mannaz: How do I relate to my community?
Coming out from under my rock over the past year has been great. I have been seeking out people and networking, which is a better word for what I have been doing. (And a thank you to Cena‘s post to reaffirm it for me.) I’ve also reconnected with some old friends who live near me. I’d forgotten how nice it was to have people around who just know you. It’s not exactly a formal community but it is a big help.
Achievement of the day, which is fitting given the first question: I am starting to find a work pace during the day which is not my former frenetic pace or the more recent molasses speed of my work. This is a huge help, not just for work but for my overall pacing in life.
Tiwaz: What victories have I achieved?
Default answer: healing. I also feel like I cleared some more hurdles when it comes to some of my issues with relationships and paranoia about getting dumped.
Berkano: What in me has died this year? What has been born?
That remains to be seen. I think there are some things in the works with this and it’s going to take a while before it comes out.
I stayed home from work today because the sore throat I’ve been dealing with for a few weeks manifested into something more. It’s been nice to rest and no push myself to do anything.
Also, I got a reply from Amanda Fucking Palmer on the Twitter today. We were both listening to the same program on the radio about new music for the year. She called in, I said squee, and replied to her Twitter post about it. And thoroughly geeked out over getting a response from her.
Elhaz: How do I ward myself?
Since last I answered this question, my magical warding has become a regular practice. I use a combination of runes and visualise them expanding into a bubble around my aura. Also, my shenu (Kemetic Orthodox necklaces dedicated to various Names of Netjer) are often on my person and do help with the protection. Also, I do spiritual cleanings of my person and my living space with some regularity. It keeps out the junk and means less hooks for something nasty to attach.
For non-magical protection, I have developed a thicker skin, speak up for myself more, and live with integrity. It’s not perfect nor does it cover a static reality. These things help.
Sowilo: What insights have come to me?
More things about becoming a mature adult and preparing myself for making major changes this year. Of note would be one which came during the break from work. It feels good to relax, take things slow, and not put too much pressure on myself. One of my nearest and dearest told me I am not allowed to forget this or do otherwise. So far, so good!
My determination to finish this journaling project continues. Neither illness nor video games will put me off-track!
Eihwaz: What initiations have I experienced?
For formal initiations, I went through Weshem-Ib again. This is the third time going through the ordeal, and every time I come out feeling like a new person. Earlier in the year I had some other thoughts and plans for initiation and you are welcome to go back to there.
Perthro: What preparations have I made for the coming year?
Oh the timing. The last time I did this, I was still a student in my Master’s program. In the time since then, I have gotten the degree. Since then, I’ve tweaked my resume and applied for a few jobs. I’ve also been unloading some of my stuff and investigating what I need to plan for and such with moving on to the next stage of my life. I don’t want to say more than that but I do have plans underway.
There are no excuses for dropping off again, I know it well. But the last few days have been busy with relatives here. I seem to be gaining more focus and that is a help. There is also the matter of my first Pagan Blog Project post to be done for this year. Tonight, it looks like.
Isa: Where do I need to slow down, show more caution?
Ah, this is a good one to keep in mind right now. I’ve said it in other places so apologies if I am repeating myself. What I need to do is not be so quick to dive in with new projects and ideas. The foundations need to be established again before I can even think about starting with anything new (and shiny!).
Jera: What have I harvested?
That’s a more difficult question since I am not sure. There is one of my default answers of the year: health. Even the break over Christmas and New Year’s proved to be beneficial and I am seeing the benefits of the rest. There is nothing like spending a week and a half going to bed when you want and waking when you want. Oh and if you’re wondering, I am not a huge night own. Not waking to an alarm, at a time earlier than I prefer, is a big help. This is why I am going to bed earlier once again. Sleep is wonderful for healing. Don’t try to push yourself to be up late then wake early. Get all the sleep you can!
As I come to these questions and continue writing, I almost feel like a broken record. Or perhaps it was just how the year was and things cast large shadows.
Hagalaz: What upheavals have I dealt with?
When I look back, there is no one big thing, a la the Tower card in the tarot. But some things happened. In addition to the fatigue, I had the upheaval of semi-expecting to move and have a new job, but that did not come to pass. Three of my coworkers left their positions (two retirements and one accepted a new job in another library), which has at least doubled my workload and given me a new boss. Good thing she and I get along well. But it does means that my workday is jammed further with Stuff to Be Done.
Nauthiz: What do I need?
Oh this is always such a tricky question. I need a roof over my head. I need clothing, especially now when it’s so bloody cold here. I need enough money and possessions to support myself. I need connection with people.
Connection, that last one is the most difficult. It’s dependent on others which means my control freak self cannot set something in place and have done with it.
What I strongly want most at this point, so that it’s coming to a need, is a life which is not just about me. I want to come to a new stage in my life. If only I could wave a wand or speak a word to make it happen.
Today my beloved Fox shared a blog post with me which I need to share with you all very soon. All I will say for now is that my “jumping around” various religious traditions somewhat more logical and it’s a way of working which I think needs to be more public.
Gebo: What gifts have I given and received?
I’ve given many a physical gift this year, along with the gifts of my time, company, friendship, and love. Those gifts do seem more precious, especially when one is not in physical proximity to me.
For receiving, I got stuff. I got some big woo-woo moments at Retreat this year. Honest to Netjer, I think my Dad said something to a few of the Names before They came to the baths saying “Hey there’s my girl there, have some fun with her. She needs it!” Also, I cried on Sekhmet-Mut. I’d like another round of that.
Wunjo: What has brought me joy?
This isn’t the biggest one but one of the first coming to mind. I got my first set of wings recently, leopard print no less! Not the ones in this video of course, but it gives you an idea of why they make me so happy.
What else… bellydance, good food, conversations, the above, seeing Jane’s Addition, Eddie Vedder, and Secret Chiefs 3, some very good books, connection, going back to gothdom (at least in dress and being social), laughing, movies and tv, music. It’s good to have things in my life which consistently bring joy to my life.
There is a new year here. I had a good new year’s eve celebration. And today is now the last day of serious loafing. I’ve made up my food for the week, my stuff is ready to go off to work tomorrow, and I think I can face “normal” life again.
In shrine this morning, I did some new year’s related heka and a bunch of divination. This could be a very interesting year. I just need to remember to stay in the driver’s seat and not coast along.
Raidho: What journeys (either literal or spiritual) have I made this year?
For trips involving a plane: San Francisco, Florida (twice), and Chicago.
Spiritual: That Chicago trip was out for Retreat for the House of Netjer, which means a definite level of “higher” thinking and experiencing. It was good to reconnect with everyone out there.
Otherwise, I didn’t do much in the way of moving, for good or for ill.
Kenaz: What have I crafted?
Oh I wish I could say I did more. Some fiber arts happened, I mad a few herbals charms, some Yule gifts, and a lot of food. There are also words all over the place and ideas. This year I hope to bring more to fruiting, engage some more of that fire.