Here I am again, trying to post something which is not a simple news bite. Do bear with me.
I know I regularly say I am going to post here more often. And when I do, I have a window in which I regularly have something to say, do my practice, have something to share. Then inevitably something comes up and I get sidetracked.
The last year has been one long exercise in patience as I recover from a serious bout of what I believe to have been adrenal fatigue. As I start to feel less worn out, I try to pick up my practice again, only to have that dry up just as quickly. What’s worse is this: I find my time getting sucked into activities which are either tedious but necessary, and sap my strength, or I just have no energy in me whatsoever and I don’t do ANYTHING.
Why am I spending what time and energy I do have available on things which do not really matter to me? And letting the important stuff fall into gutters? Why can’t I get myself to do more, and to write more?
Yeah, right now some of it has been the oppressive heat. All I want to do when I don’t have to be “on” (aka at work) is just flop and not think.
I miss all the things I hold important. I’m reminded of the story of Tom Waits and his muse. Apparently, when he gets ideas and is not in a place to set them down in some way, he asks his muse to hold on to them until he’s in a place where he can do something about this.
I’ve had times when I’ve been able to do this myself. The only problem is that I don’t have or make the time to have this outlet. So my muse gets huffy with me and storms out for a while.
I wish I could do the same with my own life, but that’s another story…
I WANT TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON THE TRACK I WANT AND CAN I PLEASE START DOING THAT NOW?!
Keeping up my morning practice of yoga and shrine has at least been something to keep me from falling into a fully fallow period. And for that I give thanks. This week has also seem a turnaround in weather. With the cooling and reduction in humidity, I feel like I have the energy to think and do some more. Which is why I am able to write posts again, have started to meditate once more (I even did a meditation for the dark moon on Thursday!), and am able to do some belly dance practice as well.
What I’d love is to start posting entries from Pagan Blog Project again. If you could see my desk you would even find a list which includes all the letters I haven’t done. The ideas are there, I just need to sit down and transfer them from my head to text.
All that said, I would like to offer up some apologies.
I apologize to you, reality. For getting lost so easily. For not remembering what I hold most dear and behaving accordingly. For saying I would do certain things and falling through on the follow-up.
I apologize to you, my Gods and spirits. For not being able to give you the attention and relationship building I want and need to do. Thank you for your continued patience with me, and I beg Y/you all to please help me along the way.
I apologize to you, readers. I have an audience and I greatly appreciate all of you. I want to share more with you in this format. I also feel like I have something to offer up. May I find a way to continue with that and bring quality to the table.