A rant and an apology

Here I am again, trying to post something which is not a simple news bite. Do bear with me.

I know I regularly say I am going to post here more often. And when I do, I have a window in which I regularly have something to say, do my practice, have something to share. Then inevitably something comes up and I get sidetracked.

The last year has been one long exercise in patience as I recover from a serious bout of what I believe to have been adrenal fatigue. As I start to feel less worn out, I try to pick up my practice again, only to have that dry up just as quickly. What’s worse is this: I find my time getting sucked into activities which are either tedious but necessary, and sap my strength, or I just have no energy in me whatsoever and I don’t do ANYTHING.

Why am I spending what time and energy I do have available on things which do not really matter to me? And letting the important stuff fall into gutters? Why can’t I get myself to do more, and to write more?

Yeah, right now some of it has been the oppressive heat. All I want to do when I don’t have to be “on” (aka at work) is just flop and not think.

I miss all the things I hold important. I’m reminded of the story of Tom Waits and his muse. Apparently, when he gets ideas and is not in a place to set them down in some way, he asks his muse to hold on to them until he’s in a place where he can do something about this.

I’ve had times when I’ve been able to do this myself. The only problem is that I don’t have or make the time to have this outlet. So my muse gets huffy with me and storms out for a while.

I wish I could do the same with my own life, but that’s another story…

I WANT TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON THE TRACK I WANT AND CAN I PLEASE START DOING THAT NOW?!

Keeping up my morning practice of yoga and shrine has at least been something to keep me from falling into a fully fallow period. And for that I give thanks. This week has also seem a turnaround in weather. With the cooling and reduction in humidity, I feel like I have the energy to think and do some more. Which is why I am able to write posts again, have started to meditate once more (I even did a meditation for the dark moon on Thursday!), and am able to do some belly dance practice as well.

What I’d love is to start posting entries from Pagan Blog Project again. If you could see my desk you would even find a list which includes all the letters I haven’t done. The ideas are there, I just need to sit down and transfer them from my head to text.

All that said, I would like to offer up some apologies.

I apologize to you, reality. For getting lost so easily. For not remembering what I hold most dear and behaving accordingly. For saying I would do certain things and falling through on the follow-up.

I apologize to you, my Gods and spirits. For not being able to give you the attention and relationship building I want and need to do. Thank you for your continued patience with me, and I beg Y/you all to please help me along the way.

I apologize to you, readers. I have an audience and I greatly appreciate all of you. I want to share more with you in this format. I also feel like I have something to offer up. May I find a way to continue with that and bring quality to the table.

Count breaths, chop wood, carry water

I’ve been having spiritual troubles for months now. My hearing has been fairly shot, and I don’t trust it anymore. Trancing abilities have tanked so much I haven’t even made an attempt since midsummer. The reason why I think I got something then was due to its being oceanic work, which I did at the beach. I dropped meditation once again because it felt like yet another chore which was not doing anything for me. Had I not kept up with daily shrine, regular offerings, and at least attempts at talking to T/those in the Unseen, I think I would have lost it.

I seem to periodically come to these points, as thought I’ve done all I can, then hit my wall and my limit, and have to go back to the beginning to get anywhere again. Is this just something of my own path? Is it like this for everyone? I am doing it wrong? I have no clue anymore.

All I can do at these points is return to the basics. Sitting in meditation. Yoga. Basic grounding, centering, and protection…
Er, about that last line. That’s something I have not actively done for myself for a while. Who knows why. I have amulets I wear almost daily which do a lot for me on that front, yet somehow they do not cover everything. For the past few weeks, I’ve made it a point to reinforce my psychic protection at least once a day. At the least, it keeps out enough of what I do not want, so I can better perceive what’s going on within me. And now I am seeming to start getting some of that extra perception back. Or at least not instantly questioning or doubting it when a “thought” seems to come from outside of my head or something shows up at the corner of my eye which should definitely not be there.

Dear Gods, let this please be an improvement, and let it continue.

I also have to remember that my path is pretty much my own. I can’t compare it to my friends, whether they be priests, trance workers, shamans, or what have you. My path seems to indeed be about boundaries, and living in full balance with the Seen and Unseen worlds. What more there is, I don’t know. I have yet to pull off that balance trick. The Seen world seems too content to throw things at me to keep me way too far in this reality. Like this past spring, when I was so stressed out about one particular class. In the end, the stress didn’t get the work done any sooner or any better. It came as it would, in short fits and starts, and it eventually got done. But the effects of the stress remain even now. With my second to last semester underway, I am hoping to keep the stress down as much as possible.

This summer was Earth working again: becoming grounded and staying present. Now I am truly moving into water work. Emotions. Healing. Boundaries. Release. Psychic work is also in the realm of water too. I’m going to be here for a while, splashing around.

Of course as I am writing about water, I get news about it coming through. A massive gasoline leak into the Nile which means many many people cut off from drinking water. There’s nothing I can say about this now because some part of my heart is weeping too much.

I just keep doing what I can. Counting breaths. Carrying water.

The Bane of Mystics

… which can also be applied to anyone heavily involved in spiritual work, especially if they tend to work alone.

A few weeks ago one of my friends on Livejournal mentioned the term acedia, which is a state of spiritual listlessness that leads to apathy about one’s life. It is particularly directed at spiritual life, and can be the bane of solitaries. Reading over some material on the subject, I can understand why it would happen. It’s not an easy path to be so heavily concerned with spiritual matters, and when one lacks a physical community to offer companionship and support, it is even harder to release that burden.

Originally I thought I was feeling burnout and sloth with all but my spiritual life. However, in the span of about two weeks I realized quickly this was not the case. I realized that my meditation practices had become a chore rather than a pleasure. Thus it was put on hiatus. And this past weekend I realized I was feel so burnt out from my life overall that I barely had the energy to give to doing daily Senut*, and until I feel more rested and renewed, that will not be happening. I will continue with the following: my yoga practice, both daily sun salutations and weekly class time, soul alignment, daily rune draw and weekly Tarot card pull. The divination has become a guide to how my day/week will progress; yoga makes me feel very alive and connected to my body as well as the seen and unseen worlds; soul alignment makes me feel very together internally and able to face the world. Outside of these things, though, I am giving myself something of a vacation for this month. Perhaps this is my Yule gift to myself.

I do not feel worried that this will negatively affect my relationships with my Gods and spirits. I know T/they understand, as they watch me push myself too hard as a general rule, and may even welcome the fact that I am taking some time out to rest. Hopefully it will also see some of my focus going back into developing material for this blog. I have a few posts in draft form and several to be plotted.

I have a question for my regular readers. Is there anything in particular you’d like to see discussed? I know what I hope to address here, but ideally this blog will not merely be an exercise in navel-gazing. For those of you reading through the Livejournal feed, please do not comment there as I do not receive comment notifications for those posts.

*core rite of Kemetic Orthodoxy