Operation FITYMI

This post. This post has been taunting me since early April. I started it, then got hit with the worst allergy attack of my life. It lasted a month. Periodically I would think “hey I have that one post I really want to finish and put up,” but this being my life, I’d either forget or feel too much like a space cadet to do anything with it.

A tiny chronicle of things which have happened in my year.

February: Flew out to San Jose for a long weekend of PANTHEACON! Con itself was alright, wish I had been more awake for my Sunday morning syncretism presentation (and I STILL owe you an email, Heathen Chinese, I have not forgotten!), Danballa sevis was the best yet. I asked him if he’d help me, he seemed quite happy to have me under the sheet with him for a short time, and seemed to give a yes. Although… and that is part of the point of the post.

I also got a reading from my Mami. I wish I had written down particulars, because I’d asked about stalling and continued running into walls.

(and now she adds words for the first time since July.)

I expressed my frustration to her during the reading and she offered me some advise: just fake it ’till you make it. Which is when Operation FITYMI was born. And I was told that in about three months I should see a turnaround.

Mmm, not so much.

March happened. I started to feel like I was coming out of the dark which had come over me back in September. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I can start getting my life back.

Then I was hit with the allergy attack mentioned above. I still do not know what triggered it or why it stayed so long. And dear Gods, was I miserable through the whole thing. Plus, during that time I switched back from working evening hours to daytime. I also discovered I like waking up at 6am even less than I did before. I dragged through the summer, barely managing to handle the day to day necessities to keep my life from falling into a pit.

There were bright points. In July I spent a week in Manhattan because the Chiefs came to town for another residency. Hid in the hotel most of the day because it was beastly hot, and spent my evenings cramped in the Stone with a slew of friends both old and new. That week did do some good in recharging me but ended too soon. Then I took a week off in early August and didn’t go anywhere. Well, save for the beach one day and an aquarium on another with Siduri. That was recharging, not running around, having to travel, worry about someone taking care of the cats. Just hid out, sat online, and played games on my new Playstation. Then suffered through a few more weeks of heat and humidity, giving most space cadets a run for their money when it came to floating away from Earth.

And now I am here. Back working evening hours, having had another appointment with my nutritionist and adding in more supplements to help both my sleep and space-case brain, and already feeling a little better. The relatively small messes in my house continue to intimidate me. Two new deities are hanging around, each from a pantheon outside of my usual focus. One gave me quite the dream over the weekend and I am still not sure what it means, unless She was just trying to get my attention in a big way. I’ve gotten rid of some small stuff of my mother’s and claimed some more spaces for my own. (Please Gods, let this continue with some consistency.) My best friend has been divined a daughter of Bast in the House of Netjer and is now Bastzemayi/Zemay. (I also have no doubt that us both having Z-starting names is not a coincidence.) I’ve even been in shrine 2 times in the last month. New milestone for this phase of “normal.”

But I’m still struggling, still having to fake it on a regular basis. It’s not what I want. I want to be engaged in life, to have energy. I want to be part of the various polytheism conversations happening online, not simply reading about them weeks later and feeling a little silly to contribute then.

Hel, to be honest, right now I will take having enough time and spoons to update the layout and links here.

In short, I miss a bunch of you. And I miss blogging. It’s a damn fine time to be a polytheist, and a witch, and it’s also a damn necessary time.

EDIT: adding both so I do not forget and so the lot of you can prod me, there at at least two posts I want to put up in the next few days.

*the black dog in the woods

*limited run witchcraft books and their high price tag.

An open letter – Pantheacon/ Pantycon 2015

Pantheacon has been over for about 48 hours now. I got home late last night. The problems and discussions began during the con itself. I am not feeling coherent enough to put events into my own words, so I will let my fellow Pagan Activist’s columnist, Shauna*, serve as words here.

Racism and Activism at Pantheacon.

Jonathan Korman has also written an open letter to the currently anonymous creator of this year’s Pantycon (for those who have not read Shauna’s recount, Pantycon is a parody newsletter which comes out during the weekend). I have co-signed it, along with others I respect, including my spiritual mother.

I am glad to see the details of what happened coming out so fast. In years past with such events, only pieces seem to have been available and that does not make for a fair dialog. If you weren’t there, or even at the event but not aware of the happenings, only knowing a little does not help the situations.

I’m also still kicking myself a little for not grabbing a copy of Pantycon when I had a chance.

I may or may not talk about this further for my next Pagan Activist post. In the meantime I’m going to get political and again voice my support for the letter, for the PoC community, and say #BlackLivesMatter.

*Who, outside of this, I got to meet in person for the first time during the con. Woot!

Reality check-ins

At the end of January, Siduri and I got together to mark Charming of the Plow. We have done Imbolc in the past around this time but this year we had a new ritual to use. She found a book of ADF rituals using Norse cosmology called Sunna’s Journey, and it worked out well. We blessed some ritual tools with words and phalluses. We also made new moon affirmation jars filled with flax seed, and I have since painted mine accordingly. Even to my hyper-critical eye it looks alright.

Plow Charming 2015

Seed jar with Diana's bow

And yes, those cords in the top picture are from Fiberwytch.

It was a good ritual, and about all I have been able to do recently. My energy levels so far this year have been abysmal. I rang in 2015 with the worst allergy attack of my life, and I still do not know what triggered it. It was allergies of the sneezing congestion type, not the break out in hives type. As it was, I probably should have gone to the ER. But I had just switched insurance providers and did not know how well that would go over. But I got through it somehow, and kept on plugging away. Winters have also become bad for me mentally because on days when the outside pressure drops and it gets cold, my head feels like it is stuffed with cotton. Focus is non-existent and it takes everything I have just to keep myself fed on said days.

And then add to that something which is difficult for me to admit to, even in this relatively secure but public way. At the end of January I got hit with the worst depression pit I’ve had since my early 20s. There are some reasons why it happened but a big part is apparently my brain chemistry. And life has taught me that when this happens, I need to shove the feelings aside and just try to function. It’s been the way I survived the previous ones, due to not having people around me who I felt okay sharing any of that burden. (And the same is, for as close as my mom and I were, I never felt comfortable going to her with heavy emotional stuff.) But I’m tired of pretending everything is okay when it’s not for me, and with Pantheacon just a few days away, I want to be able to have a place I can point out to people without having to repeat myself a dozen times.

The last few years have been rough for me in a lot of ways. And my healing is not a steady progression up by any means. but i am going to try my best not to suffer in silence. Sekhmet’s words to me at Her healing ceremony have been ringing in my ears in the last few days, mostly her admonishment about me eating my own heart. Hopefully I’ll find a way to move it from being so close to my teeth.

And for a little more lightness, here is the start of my house wight home. Painting like this is helping me relax and focus, as is watching the second half of the Legend of Korra.

The Wight House


I don’t know why I have such a mental block against doing spell work on a regular basis, but it is there. Recently, I got a Message that I need to start doing it more often, as in weekly. 0 to 40, I guess.

The blocks can be all sorts of introspective writing, but for the time being I am not interesting in doing that. What I can tell you is that yesterday I planted the cuttings I’d taken of the lemon thyme I grew this year. Once they were tucked into the pot I did galdr three runes over them so that they may grow and thrive.

Today I felt overcome once again by blocks. To the point where I am starting to wonder if there’s something working against me. I didn’t have the energy to do a reading but decided to smudge the house. My plant of choice is sweetgrass, in part because of the over harvesting of sage as well as that the original populations of my area utilized the plant. Since it had been a very long time that I’d last used smoke in the house it seemed like a good move. I started in my bedroom, calling for a banishing of everything standing in my way right now, and finished with a strong “Get The Fuck Out.” The braid went through the rest of the house, and in each room I repeated the GTFO statement.

In the short time I had before I needed to leave for work today, I did feel a little more oomph to handle some of what was in front of me. The key is to see how I respond tomorrow.

Come hear me talk!

I’m so excited to tell you all about this. I’m presenting in TWO conferences coming!

First, I am slated to speak at the Pantheon Foundation’s first ever online Pagan Activism conference. While my name is not there I am slated to be part of Saturday’s panel “Care and Feeding of Pagan Activists.” The price for this conference has also dropped to $40 for the weekend, and you don’t even have to leave your house to attend!

Second, the stars have aligned for February and the planned days off already scheduled so I will be back at Pantheacon next year! My presentation will be Sunday morning and once again what I had intended to present this past con: Juggling the Gods – syncretism in theory and practice.

If there is anything you would like to see me cover in either of these workshops, leave a comment!

When the dark comes early

Last month I had a session with my nutritionist. It had been about two weeks since I got sick with a flu to knock me out fully for two days. A rare thing for me, even now. But it was taking me a while to fully recover. I was dragging and lethargic, more than what is normal in my current adrenal fatigued state.

She first told me that the flu going around last month was one which lingered for weeks. (so for any of you who got it and took a long time to recover, there’s your reason.) As such, it was not much of a surprise then that I was still feeling even more lethargic than usual.

She went a little further, and it became one of those times when I am glad my nutritionist is also a friend, an intuitive, a medium, and a co-religionist. We both have claims on us from the Aesir, so there is a common current for both of our spiritual lives. And we know each other kinda well at this point.

She opened herself up, consulted the Unseen spirits, and came back with a message.

My dark time of the year had already arrived. The autumnal equinox had hit at the start of that week, but its energy for me had come in to settle long before. On the physical side everything was alright and I did not need to change one bit of my protocol. But I was already in the dark for the winter. Her suggestions included warm foods, even wearing warm colors (for all my fiery temperament I wear a surprising amount of pastel-type clothing), keeping up with self-care, and supporting myself like I do during the winter.

It helps. Knowing it helps a lot, even if so far I have not been able to act upon this knowledge. I’m doing what I can, and especially after last week, when I had a much-needed visit from my best friend, I am working to keep from putting too much pressure on myself. It’s inevitable that we do a little less during the dark time of the year. The light has waned, the cold has settled in, and much of our energy goes into keeping warm and secure.

There are some things to be done though. So far I do not know what they are, aside from tasks I have set for myself. (ADF study and Ellen Dugan’s hearth magick class, if you want to know.) I’ve picked up some new supplies, like flying ointment from Sarah and cords from Beth. But my challenge now is to make time (yes I know, Sekhmet) to get back to my practices and figure out some things now.

And then to sit back, wrapped in a blanket and sipping hot cocoa with a cat snuggled by my side.