Finding my voice

While I know it’s usually bad form to blog about how bad one has been about blogging regularly and they’ll do better, I do feel the need to acknowledge that I was unable to keep to my biweekly plan in April. In my defense, during that time I did make an instructional video for my class and have finally submitted a research proposal which has hung over my head since the fall. Truly I did not lose my words, but my words were used for purposes outside of this blog.

Last time, I spoke about speaking up. Since that post, synchronicity has come into play, and not just with what I mentioned above. That Thursday, in my yoga class, the focus of the evening was the throat chakra. (No, I did not have that in mind when I did the last post) The throat chakra has always been my weakest. As I may have mentioned before, speaking up for myself has been a skill I lack. Even in my 30s, long separated from the time in my life when I was the weird kid who got picked on and couldn’t say anything about it (because back then I believed I deserved the treatment), it’s still hard for me to emit words in my defense. Or sometimes even voice my opinion. This is different from choosing to take care with my words, or choosing to be silent. Times when you want words to come forth but there is a block standing in the way is not healthy.

Back to the class… I’ve been taking classes with this teacher since 2008. The first two years she worked through the chakras, I think I missed the throat classes. Last year, we did the throat chakra and within a few days my throat had swelled up to where I had no voice! This year, thankfully, I did not have that reaction. In fact, it seems to have helped with some of the issues. My words have been flowing a little more freely in the past few weeks. I also found myself wishing for more free time in order to write. And not simply the personal journaling or blogging sort of writing either; I wanted to try writing little bits of fiction. Somehow I am going to have to make time for that in the coming weeks.

Something else which interests me at least, and may provide some of you with food for thought. Sometimes the chakras will over- or under-compensate for others, like if one is very open, the others might close up, or others open up because one is closed. This spring I am learning just how open and free my heart is. Considering how many times that has been taken advantage of, I wonder if the throat block is a way of acting as a certain defense.

I also had a squeal-inducing moment involving my words on Good Friday. I’m a big fan of NPR and listen to a lot of their daytime shows. In particular, I am a fan of On Point. That Friday, the subject was poetry, and does poetry matter. I saw the post on Facebook about it while scrolling through TweetDeck on my phone and added some words on a whim, just saying that yes they do, and how I hated poetry when I was young but have come to love it more as I get older. Imagine my surprise, when not really paying attention to my listening that morning, and suddenly I heard MY WORDS coming through my radio! They had read my comment verbatim! My words, heard around the country! And talking about poetry no less, when once I could not even tolerate the form for having it forced on me when I wasn’t ready.

They did mispronounce my name, but that’s to be expected I suppose…

What a reminder of the power of words though, that they stood out and thousands upon thousands of people heard me for a few minutes that morning.

It gives me motivation to speak up more, speak out more, to be heard. To do more with my words, perhaps even to change the world with them.

I also reread The Invisibles last month, as if that fire needed any more fuel. It did give me reason to come back here and continue with this work. As well as grace this post with Ms. Kay/Ragged Robin.

Thank you for hearing me.

(I originally wrote this post on Sunday, hours before a certain death became news. Today I considered not posting this and instead posting something political. Decided against it because right now I feel like that person has immortality and doesn’t deserve it. I am not about to add to that particular heka.)


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