I haven’t done a “real” post of my own, with some depth and meat, for over a month now. There was a vacation, a Pantheacon (and even with the release of guidelines for inclusion I still have some things I want to say about it), and a relapse of last fall’s (presumed adrenal) fatigue. In that time I have periodically been seized by the Muse and managed to get some writing done. None of it has shown up here though. It’s been either on Livejournal, or on social media, or the rare personal journaling.
That is the first source of my frustration.
The second source of my frustration is the feeling of floundering. (Hey, another F!) While I was in the midst of pursuing my master’s degree, magical work dropped off considerably. Between lack of time, stress, and brain filled with school thoughts almost non-stop, I could not give over the energy to doing much more than devotional practices. Thank the gods above and below for that work, though, because had it not been for regular time in shrine and sitting before icons, I would likely have lost all my spiritual connections.
Over the last few years, I have also felt my focus shifting. For several years I did work more with trance work and inner worlds. That was definitely a necessity and how I could best function. Not only did I do a lot to fix myself, I was periodically able to assist others through these techniques. That sort of self-work is not likely to ever end for me, since I feel it’s tied in with growing up, getting older, life changes, etc. But now I find my interest shifting more toward outer work. Toward ritual and more spellwork. This has never been one of my strong area. My wiring is not particularly geared toward creating ritual. This was actually one of the big draws I felt to join the House of Netjer: coming in to a tradition which already had established rituals.
But go without regularly using any skill for a few years, and it’s going to be very difficult to pick up again.
So now here I am, wanting to do rituals and develop new spells, as well as resume trance work, and feeling like I lack all ability to even come up with ideas. This is not a case of me wanting them prefab, I want to be able to make things of meaning myself. This is one of those times when I wish I had more of a formal mentor. It would be nice to have some more direction than just trying to cobble things together on my own.
Somehow synchronicity always comes up in these moments. Dver pointed out a post about fallow spiritual times which I will be reading in the coming days. Having that kind of outside confirmation somehow makes it better.
This post is part of the Pagan Blog Project. Check out the link for other posts in this year-long series.