A rant and an apology

Here I am again, trying to post something which is not a simple news bite. Do bear with me.

I know I regularly say I am going to post here more often. And when I do, I have a window in which I regularly have something to say, do my practice, have something to share. Then inevitably something comes up and I get sidetracked.

The last year has been one long exercise in patience as I recover from a serious bout of what I believe to have been adrenal fatigue. As I start to feel less worn out, I try to pick up my practice again, only to have that dry up just as quickly. What’s worse is this: I find my time getting sucked into activities which are either tedious but necessary, and sap my strength, or I just have no energy in me whatsoever and I don’t do ANYTHING.

Why am I spending what time and energy I do have available on things which do not really matter to me? And letting the important stuff fall into gutters? Why can’t I get myself to do more, and to write more?

Yeah, right now some of it has been the oppressive heat. All I want to do when I don’t have to be “on” (aka at work) is just flop and not think.

I miss all the things I hold important. I’m reminded of the story of Tom Waits and his muse. Apparently, when he gets ideas and is not in a place to set them down in some way, he asks his muse to hold on to them until he’s in a place where he can do something about this.

I’ve had times when I’ve been able to do this myself. The only problem is that I don’t have or make the time to have this outlet. So my muse gets huffy with me and storms out for a while.

I wish I could do the same with my own life, but that’s another story…

I WANT TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON THE TRACK I WANT AND CAN I PLEASE START DOING THAT NOW?!

Keeping up my morning practice of yoga and shrine has at least been something to keep me from falling into a fully fallow period. And for that I give thanks. This week has also seem a turnaround in weather. With the cooling and reduction in humidity, I feel like I have the energy to think and do some more. Which is why I am able to write posts again, have started to meditate once more (I even did a meditation for the dark moon on Thursday!), and am able to do some belly dance practice as well.

What I’d love is to start posting entries from Pagan Blog Project again. If you could see my desk you would even find a list which includes all the letters I haven’t done. The ideas are there, I just need to sit down and transfer them from my head to text.

All that said, I would like to offer up some apologies.

I apologize to you, reality. For getting lost so easily. For not remembering what I hold most dear and behaving accordingly. For saying I would do certain things and falling through on the follow-up.

I apologize to you, my Gods and spirits. For not being able to give you the attention and relationship building I want and need to do. Thank you for your continued patience with me, and I beg Y/you all to please help me along the way.

I apologize to you, readers. I have an audience and I greatly appreciate all of you. I want to share more with you in this format. I also feel like I have something to offer up. May I find a way to continue with that and bring quality to the table.

Advertisements

7 comments on “A rant and an apology

  1. I love you, my dear sister,Zat and no matter the reasons why you were away, I always wait to hear from you. There is no time limit for you checking in. I am willing to bet your Gods feel the same way. Do what you can, when you can. We’ll be waiting with open arms.

    I do understand completely where you are coming from. I’d like my life back too. Maybe this is the part where we start feeling and experiencing all that end of the year stuff.

  2. I miss you Niankh, and wish you were coming to Retreat. It’s just rough because I want it now, to quote Veruca Salt. I hate feeling like I have to struggle and crawl even to get a little something more than the most basic.

  3. I take drugs that make me renally insufficient and I understand the exhaustion very well. I am only one of your readers, but no apologies are necessary for me. Be well.

    -B

  4. Oh, I have seen your blog mentioned before, on tumblr I believe. It’s also difficult because I am working on building new connections and community. This should be a way of doing that, but without new posts I can’t do that. Sigh.

  5. Sending you hugs, blessings and strength. I understand really really well what you’re talking about here. You’re in my prayers, love.

  6. ((((hugs)))) With my fibromyalgia, which can render me useless a good portion of the time, I completely sympathize, and no apologies are needed!

    If the fatigue persists, I would strongly recommend having blood tests done or talking with a good doctor–if you haven’t already.

  7. Thank you both, you are dears.

    Beth, I feel thankful that for the most part I’ve improved, just with a lot of plateaus in between. One other thing which is just now full dawning on me (because I had not given it much thought to let it work through) is that a lot has happened in my whole life in the last few years. So not only can I not apparently go back to how I did things before, I should not. Which leads to the inevitable “okay, so what do I do now and how do I put that into practice?”

    Oh to find more people who can balance full time work and a lot of spiritual life. Thorn does have a new podcast up and her interviewee has written some stuff which might be of benefit (Gede Parma). But I don’t know if I want to turn to yet another book to find answers. I’m trying to buy less of them.

    So much to wonder.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s