This is one of those posts which has been sitting in my draft folder for weeks. It’s been on my mind, but with my energy levels still going through major periods of waxing and waning, my ability to think clearly enough to pull it all together has not been there.
As I continue to recover and have something like free time available. I’ve been wanting to do magic. Hands on, crafting type magic. Like working with herbs or gemstones. Or like the Sekhmet charms we made at Retreat this year, which combined the two previously mentioned items with some additional heka. Or making jewelry or fiber charms or woodburning galdr. Something to ease the itch of wanting to create things and learn and use more magical skills.
What’s getting in the way of my doing this? I have identified a few points.
1. I’m not quite sure just WHAT I want to do. I know I need to do more in general, and a variety of types of spells and with different tools. Finding that starting point has proven to be elusive. And it helps none that …
2. I don’t feel like I have enough time or energy to devote to this work. And even when I was doing self-study, like the rune work or Temple of shamanic witchcraft books, and working that in around school, I was only doing the bare minimum to keep me going. Finding the pacing and time to delve further and continue with threads I have unraveled has never been a strong suit.
The last few months have also included my feeling resentful of my job, as I felt it was eating into most of the time I had in the day and took away a lot of my energy.
Because of these things I’ve been wishing that I wasn’t so isolated in doing this work, which leads us to …
3. I would LOVE to find a teacher/mentor. Incidentally, if you are reading this post and want to offer, odds are good I will turn you down. I know of two people who are magical practitioners who I’d love to have teaching me. Both live far from me though, and as far as I know, both have people they are training. I have wondered in some moments yet if the lack of teacher appearing means I’m not yet ready for one or even need one. Still, it would be nice to have a guide who is also in a physical body. Hedge riders and their ilk preferred.
There is also another little something I have noticed about myself. I forget that I have tools and skills at my disposal when they might be of service. As an example, some weeks ago I was dealing with back pain for reasons unknown. I mentioned it to Rev. Neferu, and she had a brilliant suggestion which had never dawned on me. The suggestion was to take that Sekhmet heka I mentioned earlier and utilize it in a heka to ask Sekhmet to get rid of my pain. It worked. What a surprise.
I have a bunch of potential spell ingredients around. Gemstones galore, including a bunch of stones purchased from my sister Satsenu which I need to identify. I have herbs, candles, books on magic, pen and paper, Reiki training… all these things. It’s been two years since I became a Reiki master and I barely think to use it aside from charging my water and tea at work daily.
Now this is not to say I do no magic type stuff right now. I do yoga daily, which aids both inner and outer energies. I do Feri-style soul alignment and warding of my person. I wear my shenu and know that I need to sit down with each shen to learn more about them. I do senut daily. I pray. I make offerings. I have also, at Dad’s direction, been reading through Trance-portation by Diana Paxson. I’ve worked with the material before, as part of the beta class for the book, but that was many years ago. Going back now might be a big help since so much of my spiritual life has changed and matured.
I want something more active. Those things I mentioned are more like daily maintenance to make sure I function well. I want to spring forward from that, do and learn more.
So what am I doing in the meantime, when I am not tugging at my hair in frustration? I’ve been seeking out new people and new blogs. When I was following the Pagan Blog Project (there is no way I will catch up now, though it did spawn a slew of draft ideas which I may never have thought to write about before) I was scanning through the blogs listed there. And I have found a few interesting people. We shall see if anything develops there.
So all this has been happening over the past few weeks, and even makes its way into my dreamscapes. Last night I dreamt I had been cast to be in two TV shows I enjoy, and this was in addition to my current job and everything else I do. Oh it would have been great to be reality, but I can’t do it all. I am sure you can guess what I would choose to drop.
And then the answer comes to me in shrine this morning. I was having my weekly quiet time with Seshat, and early morning brain was still riding that thought train. She doesn’t directly communicate that much in my experience, and I have learned not to doubt when I get something which feels like it was from her. In this case it was an image, of me sitting in front of my Heathen shrine with the candle lit, and just sitting like I was then.
I suppose that’s a good starting point. Also good timing as I plan to do that this weekend for the equinox, along with a few smears of mandrake ointment on my body. It may also allay one of my concerns that I might take on too much, too fast, and become overwhelmed and let it all drop. That is not uncommon for me.
So in two days, back to the Aesir I go. May something happen.