This post. This post has been taunting me since early April. I started it, then got hit with the worst allergy attack of my life. It lasted a month. Periodically I would think “hey I have that one post I really want to finish and put up,” but this being my life, I’d either forget or feel too much like a space cadet to do anything with it.
A tiny chronicle of things which have happened in my year.
February: Flew out to San Jose for a long weekend of PANTHEACON! Con itself was alright, wish I had been more awake for my Sunday morning syncretism presentation (and I STILL owe you an email, Heathen Chinese, I have not forgotten!), Danballa sevis was the best yet. I asked him if he’d help me, he seemed quite happy to have me under the sheet with him for a short time, and seemed to give a yes. Although… and that is part of the point of the post.
I also got a reading from my Mami. I wish I had written down particulars, because I’d asked about stalling and continued running into walls.
(and now she adds words for the first time since July.)
I expressed my frustration to her during the reading and she offered me some advise: just fake it ’till you make it. Which is when Operation FITYMI was born. And I was told that in about three months I should see a turnaround.
Mmm, not so much.
March happened. I started to feel like I was coming out of the dark which had come over me back in September. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I can start getting my life back.
Then I was hit with the allergy attack mentioned above. I still do not know what triggered it or why it stayed so long. And dear Gods, was I miserable through the whole thing. Plus, during that time I switched back from working evening hours to daytime. I also discovered I like waking up at 6am even less than I did before. I dragged through the summer, barely managing to handle the day to day necessities to keep my life from falling into a pit.
There were bright points. In July I spent a week in Manhattan because the Chiefs came to town for another residency. Hid in the hotel most of the day because it was beastly hot, and spent my evenings cramped in the Stone with a slew of friends both old and new. That week did do some good in recharging me but ended too soon. Then I took a week off in early August and didn’t go anywhere. Well, save for the beach one day and an aquarium on another with Siduri. That was recharging, not running around, having to travel, worry about someone taking care of the cats. Just hid out, sat online, and played games on my new Playstation. Then suffered through a few more weeks of heat and humidity, giving most space cadets a run for their money when it came to floating away from Earth.
And now I am here. Back working evening hours, having had another appointment with my nutritionist and adding in more supplements to help both my sleep and space-case brain, and already feeling a little better. The relatively small messes in my house continue to intimidate me. Two new deities are hanging around, each from a pantheon outside of my usual focus. One gave me quite the dream over the weekend and I am still not sure what it means, unless She was just trying to get my attention in a big way. I’ve gotten rid of some small stuff of my mother’s and claimed some more spaces for my own. (Please Gods, let this continue with some consistency.) My best friend has been divined a daughter of Bast in the House of Netjer and is now Bastzemayi/Zemay. (I also have no doubt that us both having Z-starting names is not a coincidence.) I’ve even been in shrine 2 times in the last month. New milestone for this phase of “normal.”
But I’m still struggling, still having to fake it on a regular basis. It’s not what I want. I want to be engaged in life, to have energy. I want to be part of the various polytheism conversations happening online, not simply reading about them weeks later and feeling a little silly to contribute then.
Hel, to be honest, right now I will take having enough time and spoons to update the layout and links here.
In short, I miss a bunch of you. And I miss blogging. It’s a damn fine time to be a polytheist, and a witch, and it’s also a damn necessary time.
EDIT: adding both so I do not forget and so the lot of you can prod me, there at at least two posts I want to put up in the next few days.
*the black dog in the woods
*limited run witchcraft books and their high price tag.