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12 Nights of Yule for 2015: Fehu and Uruz

All these plans, all these ideas, and seldom do I get a chance to DO anything with them. During the weekend I remembered that Beth had created journaling questions for the 12 night of Yule using the runes. It seems like as good a task as any to get me back into posting here a little more and taking stock of this secular year.

I had planned to start this at the beginning of the week on Yule, but that did not happen. This has been my week: 3 days of work, a day of scrambling to pack/catch flight/sit through delay for fueling/Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/my nephew preparing to get married in about 14 hours. How was your week?

Fehu: How has abundance manifested in my life this year?

Oh what a laugh this brings me now. Normally I (and a lot of other people) associate fehu with prosperity, but it’s not just money. It’s accumulating. And in my case, I don’t like the manifestation. Those of you with whom I may speak regularly know that I sometimes bitchcomplain about the fact that I still have most of my mother’s possessions in the house. I’ve barely been able to keep up with my own day to day necessities, so how could I even think of removing anything from the house? What I am hoping is that after this trip I can start taking even an hour or two each week to start sorting through stuff again and removing it. That must be done before I will tackle my own belongings (which could probably stand some weeding) because I need to know how much space I have before I start.

If anything, this experience is showing me that I do not want to put any friends, loved ones, or descendants in the position of having to go through stuff of mine which should have been taken out years before.

Uruz: Where is my strength?

My perseverance. The only reason why I am starting to do better at the end of this year is because I would not give up. Even through all the months when I dragged and stopped doing everything but the essentials, I kept at it and knew that at some point things would improve for me. I’m ending 2015 with a larger spoon capacity than I had at the beginning. I finally have my supplements working enough that I can get through my days with a better degree of clarity, and not wanting coffee at 2.30pm when I am starting my work day.

Black dog of the sharp curve

(oh my, it’s been two months since I said I wanted even to write this post, and now in early November I am forcing myself to do so. Eff you again, brain and body. Give me back myself.)
(Especially since there was a month between what I wrote up there and my finishing it today.)

This took place on September 1. As these things go, perhaps a good time for a liminal experience. Not only was it the start of a new month, but also the start of a new semester. And as such, the day I switched back to my now much more common evening schedule. (I work 2.30pm-11pm when school is in session.) It may not have been the witching hour but that was coming close enough.

As more lead up, I am a creature of habit. I almost always take the same route to and from work. While I could take the main avenue near my house which goes directly to the street where I must turn, I skip it because the speed limit is low and there are a lot of lights. My preferred route is of a similar speed limit but fewer lights and a little more wild space. When I would take this route home last year, I occasionally saw foxes and one night, a buck. Much more appealing for me.

On the night in question, I didn’t see anything unusual at first. All I knew is I was tired because my body had not had the chance to make the switch to working later into the evening. And like I said, I was probably primed for this. Coming closer to my house, the road I take makes a 90 degree curve. It’s perilous even in the best conditions, and during winter it can take you into a snow mound if you cannot handle the curve.

it looks so banal even at night
it looks so banal even at night

This is the area as I come upon it on my drive home. Notice the collection of street lights on the left giving good light to an area of trees. It didn’t look like this on that first night. I came up to this part of the street and it was black. My rational mind says there is no way all those lights were out at the same time, and yet it was black. And in that blackness came another blackness. Coming closer to the curve, for about two seconds, I could perceive and nearly see a large black canine head extending across the road. It was gone by the time I took the curve but I could still sense that otherness of the spirit world as I drove home. Every night since, when that curve first comes into my line of sight, I look at it and it looks as it does in the picture. Even so I do not doubt what I sensed on that night was real.

I will admit that my knowledge of black dog legends is low at this stage; my ability to read fast is but a distant memory right now. That Wikipedia article has been a help even in its minimal form, and I am okay with only having the one sighting. It also provided me with an amazing tidbit, there is a black dog legend not far from where I live. And while my “dog” was much larger, the first visit did fill with me joy. Even if the spirit is not a dog in its native form (and how often do we see spirits as they “really” appear?) I don’t mind. I think whatever it was, dog or no, showed itself like that because I would recognize it.

And as such moments do, I got to thinking about where I live. Those of you who have known me for a long time know that I had a somewhat nebulous plan for several years that I would move out west. With my mother’s passing and inheriting her house, that is on a burner way in the back. Maybe even off the stove but who knows what the future brings. So I am here for a while now. And for all that I complain about the people here, I do love the land. Even my home, a condo. Despite the management’s and our overculture’s ideas, a fence can’t keep nature out. I share my land with a flock of turkeys across the street because no one told them the fence means do not enter. There are birds aplenty, squirrels, possums, skunks, at least one owl, vultures, and I swear I once saw a kestrel. Not to mention the woods, the grass, the end of the nearby lake creating wetlands. There is much magic and mystery just waiting outside my door, and I know where to look and how to see it.

Sarah Lawless did this piece not long after I saw the dog and she hits on the essence of my wanting to stay. I need the green spaces. I need to be areas mostly left alone by human reshaping. I need to see the stars overhead and feel soil under my bare feet. I also need to be near an ocean, which is an interesting family quirk/wyrd. IF you need this kind of space, a little more removed from modern hustle and bustle, look around. There are plenty of smaller towns in the US hoping for people to move. My area isn’t one of them but I think I’ll be okay sticking around here for a while.

(addendum: Hey, it’s post 250! I never imagined getting to this point. And I have about five more waiting to happen. Bless everything for my wonderful nutritionist tweaking my supplements last week and bringing me yet more clarity of mind. I can write again! and finish things!)

And a few more notes I forgot

1. Two weeks ago I went to a presentation on the Mighty Dead by Chris Penczak. I picked up his book,t he talk was interesting, he mentioned some Traditional craft stuff, and I think I can incorporate some of what he discussed into my own work.
The weird part is that in a full room (a good 20 people), I was one of the most experienced practitioners there. The only ones with more experience (at least who spoke up) were Penczak himself and Siduri, and I showed up with her. If I could offer one piece of advice to a seeker, or someone “electic” whow asn’t really sure which direction to go, I would just tell them to stick with something. One thing. Learn it more, and deeper. Let it integrate with the other parts of your life.
Sometimes it seems like neo-paganism as a movement suffers from serious ADD.

2. If you’re not reading Rue and Hyssop you are missing out on some serious goodness. Jen’s currently giving away a bunch of books this month to celebrate Halloween. Go have a look! (And maybe stay, she’s good people.)

3. Link editing has begun. Instead of doing it all in one sitting, I’ll update slowly as spoons allow. If you have someting you really really want to see there, speak up!

A few little notes

1. The weekend before the equinox Siduri and I did our Mabon rite. Since early in the year we’ve been working through the rituals in Sunna’s Journey. It’s a collection of rites for the eight holidays of the neopagan year, along with some others, all done in the ADF ritual style. We both like the ritual format, and the book itself, but that’s the extent of any work either of us will be doing with ADF. It IS nice to have a Heathen-style ritual format which also allows for spiritual and magical workings. We’re already plotting for Samhain and want to do a few different things then.
During the rite we also did trance work involving Bear Mother. It’s something we’ve done in the past at different times but I felt strongly like I wanted to do some that night. We both used some of Sarah’s ointments to aid in our working. My choice was one of her datura offerings (Datura and Dwale, a limited item made earlier this year) because I have been wanting to work with datura and had not before. My travel was rather different from what I have experienced with her other salves. Instead of it opening me up easier and helping guide, I found myself doing the trance but the moment my focused wavered I wound up in a new, random setting. Nothing troublesome, thank Gods, but nothing I have experienced before. I’m hoping over the winter to work more with both datura salves I have, since they seem to produce a notable response for me.

2. Beth and I have been friends for over a decade and I’ve been supporting her shop since she started. Over the summer she put up a cord I gazed at longingly for a few days, but when I wanted to buy it, the cord had been sold. To my joy, she made another one recently, and I jumped on the new sovereignty cord as soon as possible. It’s such a tranquil and grounding item I can’t get over it. Plus, it’s purdy.

sovereignty cord
sovereignty cord

(please ignore my old Projekt shirt, I was in lounging around the house clothes when it arrived and didn’t feel like getting changed.)

3. The new deities in my house both have shrines now. One has a statue, the other a print, but both have candles and incense (again, from Beth), a necklace each, and for one, a pouch I made at Harvest Gathering in August. Soon there will be photos because shrines continue to manifest in my house.

4. It’s a wonder what a good additional supplement or two will do for sleep. In my last consultation with my nutritionist I mentioned less than ideal sleep, and she suggested melatonin (which I’ve used before to mixed results) and an amino acid called serine. The first night alone was such a marked change! I give a lot of credit to both for my health improvements over the last month. Oh what good sleep can do for a person!

5. My favorite Thracian posted late in the summer that someone he knew would be offering a few weeks of one on one language instruction in about a dozen different languages. Me being the budding linguistics nerd jumped on the offer. At first I thought i would do Vietnamese (because the caveat was it had to be a completely new language to the person) because why not, then realized ancient Greek would be a better choice AND helpful to my job. (Yes sometimes I do need to be able to figure out the random phrases in Greek letters included in book requests.) Four weeks in and it’s been rather enjoyable. Now if I could just get enough hours and focus to work more on the material on my own! In case your own language interest has been peeked, check out ILT for information.

6. Yes I did change the blog theme. Next up, a full update of links! And maybe a few more posts.

Operation FITYMI

This post. This post has been taunting me since early April. I started it, then got hit with the worst allergy attack of my life. It lasted a month. Periodically I would think “hey I have that one post I really want to finish and put up,” but this being my life, I’d either forget or feel too much like a space cadet to do anything with it.

A tiny chronicle of things which have happened in my year.

February: Flew out to San Jose for a long weekend of PANTHEACON! Con itself was alright, wish I had been more awake for my Sunday morning syncretism presentation (and I STILL owe you an email, Heathen Chinese, I have not forgotten!), Danballa sevis was the best yet. I asked him if he’d help me, he seemed quite happy to have me under the sheet with him for a short time, and seemed to give a yes. Although… and that is part of the point of the post.

I also got a reading from my Mami. I wish I had written down particulars, because I’d asked about stalling and continued running into walls.

(and now she adds words for the first time since July.)

I expressed my frustration to her during the reading and she offered me some advise: just fake it ’till you make it. Which is when Operation FITYMI was born. And I was told that in about three months I should see a turnaround.

Mmm, not so much.

March happened. I started to feel like I was coming out of the dark which had come over me back in September. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I can start getting my life back.

Then I was hit with the allergy attack mentioned above. I still do not know what triggered it or why it stayed so long. And dear Gods, was I miserable through the whole thing. Plus, during that time I switched back from working evening hours to daytime. I also discovered I like waking up at 6am even less than I did before. I dragged through the summer, barely managing to handle the day to day necessities to keep my life from falling into a pit.

There were bright points. In July I spent a week in Manhattan because the Chiefs came to town for another residency. Hid in the hotel most of the day because it was beastly hot, and spent my evenings cramped in the Stone with a slew of friends both old and new. That week did do some good in recharging me but ended too soon. Then I took a week off in early August and didn’t go anywhere. Well, save for the beach one day and an aquarium on another with Siduri. That was recharging, not running around, having to travel, worry about someone taking care of the cats. Just hid out, sat online, and played games on my new Playstation. Then suffered through a few more weeks of heat and humidity, giving most space cadets a run for their money when it came to floating away from Earth.

And now I am here. Back working evening hours, having had another appointment with my nutritionist and adding in more supplements to help both my sleep and space-case brain, and already feeling a little better. The relatively small messes in my house continue to intimidate me. Two new deities are hanging around, each from a pantheon outside of my usual focus. One gave me quite the dream over the weekend and I am still not sure what it means, unless She was just trying to get my attention in a big way. I’ve gotten rid of some small stuff of my mother’s and claimed some more spaces for my own. (Please Gods, let this continue with some consistency.) My best friend has been divined a daughter of Bast in the House of Netjer and is now Bastzemayi/Zemay. (I also have no doubt that us both having Z-starting names is not a coincidence.) I’ve even been in shrine 2 times in the last month. New milestone for this phase of “normal.”

But I’m still struggling, still having to fake it on a regular basis. It’s not what I want. I want to be engaged in life, to have energy. I want to be part of the various polytheism conversations happening online, not simply reading about them weeks later and feeling a little silly to contribute then.

Hel, to be honest, right now I will take having enough time and spoons to update the layout and links here.

In short, I miss a bunch of you. And I miss blogging. It’s a damn fine time to be a polytheist, and a witch, and it’s also a damn necessary time.

EDIT: adding both so I do not forget and so the lot of you can prod me, there at at least two posts I want to put up in the next few days.

*the black dog in the woods

*limited run witchcraft books and their high price tag.

An open letter – Pantheacon/ Pantycon 2015

Pantheacon has been over for about 48 hours now. I got home late last night. The problems and discussions began during the con itself. I am not feeling coherent enough to put events into my own words, so I will let my fellow Pagan Activist’s columnist, Shauna*, serve as words here.

Racism and Activism at Pantheacon.

Jonathan Korman has also written an open letter to the currently anonymous creator of this year’s Pantycon (for those who have not read Shauna’s recount, Pantycon is a parody newsletter which comes out during the weekend). I have co-signed it, along with others I respect, including my spiritual mother.

I am glad to see the details of what happened coming out so fast. In years past with such events, only pieces seem to have been available and that does not make for a fair dialog. If you weren’t there, or even at the event but not aware of the happenings, only knowing a little does not help the situations.

I’m also still kicking myself a little for not grabbing a copy of Pantycon when I had a chance.

I may or may not talk about this further for my next Pagan Activist post. In the meantime I’m going to get political and again voice my support for the letter, for the PoC community, and say #BlackLivesMatter.

*Who, outside of this, I got to meet in person for the first time during the con. Woot!

Reality check-ins

At the end of January, Siduri and I got together to mark Charming of the Plow. We have done Imbolc in the past around this time but this year we had a new ritual to use. She found a book of ADF rituals using Norse cosmology called Sunna’s Journey, and it worked out well. We blessed some ritual tools with words and phalluses. We also made new moon affirmation jars filled with flax seed, and I have since painted mine accordingly. Even to my hyper-critical eye it looks alright.

Plow Charming 2015

Seed jar with Diana's bow

And yes, those cords in the top picture are from Fiberwytch.

It was a good ritual, and about all I have been able to do recently. My energy levels so far this year have been abysmal. I rang in 2015 with the worst allergy attack of my life, and I still do not know what triggered it. It was allergies of the sneezing congestion type, not the break out in hives type. As it was, I probably should have gone to the ER. But I had just switched insurance providers and did not know how well that would go over. But I got through it somehow, and kept on plugging away. Winters have also become bad for me mentally because on days when the outside pressure drops and it gets cold, my head feels like it is stuffed with cotton. Focus is non-existent and it takes everything I have just to keep myself fed on said days.

And then add to that something which is difficult for me to admit to, even in this relatively secure but public way. At the end of January I got hit with the worst depression pit I’ve had since my early 20s. There are some reasons why it happened but a big part is apparently my brain chemistry. And life has taught me that when this happens, I need to shove the feelings aside and just try to function. It’s been the way I survived the previous ones, due to not having people around me who I felt okay sharing any of that burden. (And the same is, for as close as my mom and I were, I never felt comfortable going to her with heavy emotional stuff.) But I’m tired of pretending everything is okay when it’s not for me, and with Pantheacon just a few days away, I want to be able to have a place I can point out to people without having to repeat myself a dozen times.

The last few years have been rough for me in a lot of ways. And my healing is not a steady progression up by any means. but i am going to try my best not to suffer in silence. Sekhmet’s words to me at Her healing ceremony have been ringing in my ears in the last few days, mostly her admonishment about me eating my own heart. Hopefully I’ll find a way to move it from being so close to my teeth.

And for a little more lightness, here is the start of my house wight home. Painting like this is helping me relax and focus, as is watching the second half of the Legend of Korra.

The Wight House


I don’t know why I have such a mental block against doing spell work on a regular basis, but it is there. Recently, I got a Message that I need to start doing it more often, as in weekly. 0 to 40, I guess.

The blocks can be all sorts of introspective writing, but for the time being I am not interesting in doing that. What I can tell you is that yesterday I planted the cuttings I’d taken of the lemon thyme I grew this year. Once they were tucked into the pot I did galdr three runes over them so that they may grow and thrive.

Today I felt overcome once again by blocks. To the point where I am starting to wonder if there’s something working against me. I didn’t have the energy to do a reading but decided to smudge the house. My plant of choice is sweetgrass, in part because of the over harvesting of sage as well as that the original populations of my area utilized the plant. Since it had been a very long time that I’d last used smoke in the house it seemed like a good move. I started in my bedroom, calling for a banishing of everything standing in my way right now, and finished with a strong “Get The Fuck Out.” The braid went through the rest of the house, and in each room I repeated the GTFO statement.

In the short time I had before I needed to leave for work today, I did feel a little more oomph to handle some of what was in front of me. The key is to see how I respond tomorrow.