Hagalaz: What upheavals have I dealt with?
Nothing much new for this year. But the upheavals of the last few years are still sorting themselves out. I’ve managed to get some of them settled though. That to me is a major achievement. And maybe this year I’ll handle a few more.
Nauthiz: What do I need?
Most of all I need a lot of physical contact with other people and a few weeks of sex, to start. (Not had any for about four years, and now you know.) A lot more free time. Focus. Physical energy. Someone to plan my meals, especially the ones which go with me to work.
Wow I am running behind hard on all these. Epiphany is almost upon us even (I’m involved with Vodou as well, so even though I did not spend any time as a Catholic I’m kinda aware of the holidays now) and I am not even a third of the way through these. But since I can’t seem to rouse myself enough to tidy around the house or unpack more, and am just at the end of Jessica Jones, I want something else to occupy my brain.
Gebo: What gifts have I given and received?
For giving, well, Yule just passed, along with a wedding, and I’ll admit to indulging in some generosity this year. It was good to do but I need to work on making more gifts and better planning.
Received? I got some nice things over the holiday. But my better gift this year has been the company of people. That tends to be what I want more than anything now.
Wunjo: What has brought me joy?
People I care about. My cats. My nieces and nephew. Some media. Warm weather.
It’s either been a super crazy or super relaxed time on this vacation. On Monday there was minimal movement throughout the house as we all recouperated from the holidays and wedding. Last night was also, quite possibly, the first House of Netjer meetup in the state of Florida. We ate Ethiopian food and talked for many hours. It would have been longer but enough people had to work today that it made things impossible.
Today I did not get out of bed until almost noon and have spent the day in pajamas. Now this is what I call a vacation.
Raidho: What journeys (either literal or spiritual) have I made this year?
The literal journeys have been Pantheacon in February (and I have never had a con where I’ve been so tired throughout the whole weekend), New York City in July because I am a fangirl, and now in Florida.
Spiritual journeys this year take two forms. First there is the trance work, which has been limited to holy tide celebrations. The second has been new deities on the personal radar, coming from cultures with which I have not interacted. These are still in their infancy and I have no clue where they might go.
Kenaz: What have I crafted?
I’ve made some spells, I’ve knitted, I have colored. Nowhere near enough, but I did it.
My nephew got married today. It was a lovely service and I got to dance with one of my nieces. Oh, and caught the bouquet and had a 17 year old boy putting the garter on me. I may have worn a cougar dress but I was not expecting that in any way.
In other excitement, there will be a Florida gathering of members of the House of Netjer this week. So so excited for this!
Thurisaz: What obstacles stand in my way?
I can identify two with ease: my health and anxiety. The first I went into some of it yesterday. The anxiety has developed as connected with the first. It’s difficult for me just to start anything because there is no guarantee of being able to complete whatever it is. And having more piles of stuff around my house just leads to more anxiety. If anyone has suggestions of how to deal with this (I don’t have a PCP so medication is out, and for me it’s not the step I want to start with.)
Ansuz: What inspires me? How do I inspire others?
Inspiration is in living, in my chosen family, my Unseen ones, even my cats. Seeing other people able to lead “normal” lives, in that they do not have to chose between one activity or another unless they want to be wiped out for days, makes me want to continue caring for myself.
How I inspire others? I have no idea at this point.
All these plans, all these ideas, and seldom do I get a chance to DO anything with them. During the weekend I remembered that Beth had created journaling questions for the 12 night of Yule using the runes. It seems like as good a task as any to get me back into posting here a little more and taking stock of this secular year.
I had planned to start this at the beginning of the week on Yule, but that did not happen. This has been my week: 3 days of work, a day of scrambling to pack/catch flight/sit through delay for fueling/Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/my nephew preparing to get married in about 14 hours. How was your week?
Fehu: How has abundance manifested in my life this year?
Oh what a laugh this brings me now. Normally I (and a lot of other people) associate fehu with prosperity, but it’s not just money. It’s accumulating. And in my case, I don’t like the manifestation. Those of you with whom I may speak regularly know that I sometimes
bitchcomplain about the fact that I still have most of my mother’s possessions in the house. I’ve barely been able to keep up with my own day to day necessities, so how could I even think of removing anything from the house? What I am hoping is that after this trip I can start taking even an hour or two each week to start sorting through stuff again and removing it. That must be done before I will tackle my own belongings (which could probably stand some weeding) because I need to know how much space I have before I start.
If anything, this experience is showing me that I do not want to put any friends, loved ones, or descendants in the position of having to go through stuff of mine which should have been taken out years before.
Uruz: Where is my strength?
My perseverance. The only reason why I am starting to do better at the end of this year is because I would not give up. Even through all the months when I dragged and stopped doing everything but the essentials, I kept at it and knew that at some point things would improve for me. I’m ending 2015 with a larger spoon capacity than I had at the beginning. I finally have my supplements working enough that I can get through my days with a better degree of clarity, and not wanting coffee at 2.30pm when I am starting my work day.
I did it. I did it. I DID IT! All twelve nights, even if they are late.
I think my plan for this week is going to be writing one blog post a night, because I want to do my two A posts before the first round of B posts. And as I think I said before, I do have ideas for both of those B posts.
Othala: Where is my true home?
I think I respond in a similar way every year, and that is to say my home is with the people I love. My family of blood and my family of choice. Now that I am making more concrete plans to change my physical home, I am remembering this more and more. Especially when I go to California or Florida do I feel this.
Dagaz: What doors have opened for me? What doors have closed?
I would like to think that more doors for potential careers have opened. With my workload and experience increasing this past year, it only heightens my qualifications for jobs, and proof that I can adapt to different work situations.
And I hate to think about closed doors, but there is one. I pray that someday I can find a way to open it again.
After you finish reading the answers to my questions here, I cannot suggest enough that you look at my dear friend Sufenas’s latest Queer I Stand column at Patheos, Bringing Back the Gods. I have a hard time fully articulating my reasons for being a devout polytheist, but he sums it up with more eloquence than I could ever hope to give the subject.
Laguz: How do I work with my dreams?
For the dreams in sleep, I chronicle them as much as I am able. Over many years I have learned how to interpret them and have some idea now of what things mean. I dream in color, which I point out because I remember once reading or hearing that people dream in black and white. Not I. Full rich color and complex stories. Some are quite amazing and fun, and some make me want to do anything but sleep after.
For my daytime dreams and desires, I do what I can to make them happen. By speaking, acting, and through magic.
Ingwaz: What seeds have I planted, and what have I sacrificed to nourish them?
Oh I wish the answer to this were a simple one. In truth I am uncertain. There are the dreams mentioned above but I don’t know if those qualify as seeds. Whether they are or not I am making sacrifices. Taking time out to manifest my desires. Being stricter with my spending to save more and pay off debts sooner. Working to get more of my unwanted stuff out. Making plans.
Things on my mind today:
It’s the dark moon today. I’ve not been paying enough attention to the moon phases recently and had forgotten this. But as the dark and new moon are good times for focusing on banishing and beginnings, I am going to make tonight and this weekend about a rededication to more active spiritual practices. I have to focus, and if some changes are going to happen I need to put more work into them. This post on Agora earlier in the week has also been giving me some more motivation, even to take the little steps.
One of my nearest and dearest lost a parent early this morning. I know what it’s like to lose one, and I know I am coming to an age where I only have so much time left with the one I have.
And yes, I know I am already behind (again) on Pagan Blog Project. Part of the rededication is going to include making more time to write. I know my A topics as well as my B topics and one C. Then I’ll be digging through my draft posts from last year to see what I never got to write then.
Ehwaz: What has been confirmed for me this year?
I don’t know if this lesson has come into my psyche in a full way, but I keep getting reminded of the fact that people do love me, care about me, and want me around.
Mannaz: How do I relate to my community?
Coming out from under my rock over the past year has been great. I have been seeking out people and networking, which is a better word for what I have been doing. (And a thank you to Cena‘s post to reaffirm it for me.) I’ve also reconnected with some old friends who live near me. I’d forgotten how nice it was to have people around who just know you. It’s not exactly a formal community but it is a big help.
Achievement of the day, which is fitting given the first question: I am starting to find a work pace during the day which is not my former frenetic pace or the more recent molasses speed of my work. This is a huge help, not just for work but for my overall pacing in life.
Tiwaz: What victories have I achieved?
Default answer: healing. I also feel like I cleared some more hurdles when it comes to some of my issues with relationships and paranoia about getting dumped.
Berkano: What in me has died this year? What has been born?
That remains to be seen. I think there are some things in the works with this and it’s going to take a while before it comes out.
I stayed home from work today because the sore throat I’ve been dealing with for a few weeks manifested into something more. It’s been nice to rest and no push myself to do anything.
Also, I got a reply from Amanda Fucking Palmer on the Twitter today. We were both listening to the same program on the radio about new music for the year. She called in, I said squee, and replied to her Twitter post about it. And thoroughly geeked out over getting a response from her.
Elhaz: How do I ward myself?
Since last I answered this question, my magical warding has become a regular practice. I use a combination of runes and visualise them expanding into a bubble around my aura. Also, my shenu (Kemetic Orthodox necklaces dedicated to various Names of Netjer) are often on my person and do help with the protection. Also, I do spiritual cleanings of my person and my living space with some regularity. It keeps out the junk and means less hooks for something nasty to attach.
For non-magical protection, I have developed a thicker skin, speak up for myself more, and live with integrity. It’s not perfect nor does it cover a static reality. These things help.
Sowilo: What insights have come to me?
More things about becoming a mature adult and preparing myself for making major changes this year. Of note would be one which came during the break from work. It feels good to relax, take things slow, and not put too much pressure on myself. One of my nearest and dearest told me I am not allowed to forget this or do otherwise. So far, so good!